Sunday, 11 December 2011

Undesirables

Do you ever contemplate all those things that should never have been invented, never seen the light of day? Here's my very own list of ten things the world could do without....

1) Ties. Utterly pointless and unattractive. Politicians and car salesmen are no more plausible in a knotted thing.
2) Shoelaces. Come undone when you're out walking. Get knotted when you're trying to undo them.
3) Binge-drinking. What's the big attraction of drinking yourself senseless and getting liver disease?
4) Powerpoint presentations. Telling you what you already know, or don't need to know, in a soporific visual format.
5) Chat shows. Thinly disguised advertising in which evasive celebrities trot out predictable personal clich├ęs.
6) Plastic surgery. Self-mutilation as the answer to self-loathing. How weird is that?*
7) Starters. Two or three expensive mouthfuls of some trifling little "delicacy". I'd rather get stuck into a proper plateful of food.
8) The colour orange. Hideous on just about anything except the fruit. Orange means "I have no taste."
9) Musak. Shops that play mind-numbing background music. I'm straight out of the shop before my brain turns to mush.
10) Family trees. I couldn't care less about my great great grandfather or my second cousin twice removed. I don't care if they were millionaires or tramps. It's what's happening now that interests me.

Okay, don't tell me, you like nothing better than binge-drinking after your plastic surgery, wearing your bright orange pants and your bright orange kipper tie. If that's the case, I don't like you any more and I shall have to exclude you from my inner circle of suave and enlightened intimates. Please don't darken my doors again.

* I should add that I have nothing against plastic surgery for sound medical reasons like correcting disfigurements.
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I won't be blogging for a while. Nothing to worry about, in fact something very very exciting! Will tell you all about it later....

43 comments:

Scarlet Blue said...

Without shoelaces there would have never been corsets...
A velcro corset somehow doesn't have the same appeal.
Sx

Nick said...

Scarlet - Now that's a thought. Perhaps we could have a special exemption for corsets and other vital fetishistic garments.

Scarlet Blue said...

I am having a problem defending the colour orange though...
Sx

Nick said...

Scarlet - It's impossible to defend, that's why. It's one of Mother Nature's glaring mistakes.

Rummuser said...

I will vote with you on all the ten and then add ten more to fit into the Indian scene. Now that you have given the idea, I shall do so in another blog post relevant to India and Indians. Thank you.

Nick said...

Ramana - I guess this list chimes quite well with your remarks about increasingly idiotic cultures. I look forward to your own list.

blackwatertown said...

Scarlet Blue mounts a very good defence of laces.
I'm speaking up for orange - that lovely warm rich burnt orange that transports you to a sunnier state of mind. I love it. having said that, I had to paint over - magnolia of course - to sell the house.
Other than that.... no, that's it ... apart from the fruit.

nursemyra said...

I'm so with you on ties!

e said...

Celebs are not the only ones to get plastic surgery...I've seen it benefit people with scarring or used to correct malformations of the palate in babies and little children...I agree about the rest, however...

Grannymar said...

Take two items off your list and I'll agree with you. I like starters, and I enjoyed working on our family tree.

Nick said...

Blackwater - "That lovely warm rich burnt orange that transports you to a sunnier state of mind." If I say that often enough, I might start to believe it....

Myra - How can anyone seriously say ties are a sartorial asset?

e - Ah, I should have added a note that of course plastic surgery to correct disfigurements etc is perfectly sensible.

Grannymar - I find that just as I'm enjoying my starter, it's finished. Very frustrating.

Eryl said...

I find starters just about the right size, and then I go straight to pudding. As for orange, you've reminded me of a post I promised someone I'd do. Must try and remember long enough to actually do it. Looking around my room I have at least three orange objects of which I am unusually fond.

I know what you mean about shoelaces, they drive me nuts but I like the look of laced shoes and the way you can get them nice and tight. Binge drinking I find terribly sad; power point presentations odd, especially as I can't see them without my glasses; musak I hate with a passion; ties I despised until I saw Johnny Depp in a very thin one, not unlike a shoelace; chat shows I know nothing of, not having a tv; cosmetic surgery: a tragic sign of the times, or a sign of our tragic times. And, family trees: I'd quite like to know a bit more about my family, though not quite enough to do a family tree. I'd be delighted if someone else did one for me, however.

I await to hear if I'm allowed back.

Nick said...

Eryl - Surely thin ties are even more ridiculous than the usual ones? If you've never seen a chat show, you're missing precisely nothing.

Never fear, anyone who hates Musak is always welcome.

secret agent woman said...

Prepare to exclude me from your inner circle. I totally agree on plastic surgery and binge drinking and chat shows. Some of the items I'm indifferent to: I don't notice musak, I think powerpoint is redundant but it doesn't trouble me, I don't much understand why men would want to wear ties but they don't offend me. BUT. Family trees can be interesting. I don't take credit for the good or blame for the bad, but I don't mind knowing where family came from. Shoelaces? If the alternative is velcro, I'm sticking with the laces. And if starters are the same thing as appetizers - sometimes I make that my whole meal. I'm not a big eater and often it's a perfect amount of food. Or better yet a couple of them instead of an entree. And if by orange you mean bright clown orange, sure. But what about all the lovely variants of orange? The ambers and apricots and burnt oranges and salmons and corals and golds? The color of fire and sunsets and autumn? Go look at my blog header - there is a glorious shade of orange.

Macy said...

Yeah what no orange??? No sunsets, no warm fires, no fields of poppies? Secret agent woman and I are manning the barricades for orange!

Nick said...

Secret Agent - Ah, I thought I'd run into trouble over family trees, they're so popular. I much prefer Velcro, so much easier. It's unfairly associated with old codgers.

Okay, I admit some shades of orange can be attractive in the right circumstances. But I tend to think of sunsets as red or pink rather than orange.

Macy - Manning the barricades? Goodness me. But poppies are red! Or am I colour-blind?

Baino said...

Oh you're a curmudgeon...I'd rather orange than purple. Love my hob nail lace up boots but don't give a toss about the family tree. I'd add tattoos and chihuahas. Neither ever look god

Nick said...

Baino - Oh, I'm not a curmudgeon, I'm just having a bit of fun with you all! I'd rather purple than orange, but don't ask me why. Something more solid about it. Right behind you on tattoos and chihuahuas. Which reminds me of the Natasha Bedingfield line "I'm looking for a guard dog, not buying a chihuahua."

Wisewebwoman said...

Nick:
I would strongly suggest some assertiveness training for you.
You keep dithering around on all sorts of topics and never can come up with an opinion on anything.
XO
WWW
:)

Nick said...

www - Assertiveness training, now there's something I can wholeheartedly support. Especially for women. I still see far too many women who're too timid to stand up to overbearing, patronising males.

secret agent woman said...

Chihuahuas! I have to agree about dogs which are smaller than cats. It's not right. And I've never been a fan of tattoos. But (and here I go again with the inevitable exception) - I am involved with someone who has a sizable dragoon tattoo on his shoulder and I find it, much to my surprise, wildly sexy. Go figure.

Los Angelista said...

I hate binge drinking and musak. I would rather ride in an elevator listening to nothing. I used to really despise orange, but then so many lovely sunsets over the Pacific later, its grown on me. And, I do like ties if they add a spot of color and are tied well. So many ties are just boring and poorly tied.

Nick said...

Secret Agent - A sexy dragon tattoo, huh? I must say I've never been turned on by tattoos of any description.

Liz - You're right about poorly knotted ties. I've seen so many knots recently that are too loose, too tight, too large or hanging out of the collar. They look the opposite of smart!

Delirious said...

You might be interested to know that orange is the "in" color this coming season in the world of fashion. lol

I think there are nice shades of orange, but the typical halloween orange, I agree, is hideous

Nick said...

Delirious - Ha, I never took much notice of fashion, My choice of clothing is based entirely on personal taste. Well, except in the sixties when I succumbed to bellbottoms and patchwork jackets.

looby said...

Ties and musak are the handiwork of Satan. And iPods. I hate how people walk along, refusing to be part of their social surroundings, plugged into their own little Narcissistic world.

Binge drinking: my friend down the pub once said "I'm not a binge drinker. A binge drinker's someone who goes out and has a skinful at the weekend. I have a skinful every day." Ho ho!

Nick said...

Looby - Maybe sometimes being plugged into your own little world is better than the mundane offerings of everyday "reality."

Ah, a "skinful". Another of those wonderful euphemisms for "damaging my health."

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Your list is excellent! I quite agree with all of it, and your reasoning, ie self-mutilation as the answer to self-loathing. And I also like orange only on oranges, mangoes, cantaloupe, papaya and any other fruits of that color, plus carrots.

Please tell us quickly what your very very exciting news is! I'm already very very happy for you.

blackwatertown said...

Ah yes - carrots - forgot them.
Once had a good night out dressed as a carrot. The night was in two stages.
Stage 1 in the company of the rest of my bunch of carrots.
Stage 2 a carrot on his own. It was the first - and I suspect thankfully last - time a lot of people had seen a carrot dance through the streets of Dublin.

Jenny Woolf said...

Agree with most of these but for ties which I love specially Libertys ones - beautiful! I would add celeb magazines to the list though. Don't mind orange so I would replace that on the list with lloydsbank telephone banking system.

Have fun whatever you are doing except blogging! :)

John Gray said...

if I dont get the chance
just wanted to know I want you to have a lovely christmas xxx

Young at Heart said...

as someone who has just painted my kitchen tangerine shall I just get my coat? Also who doesn't love Carry Grant or Patti Smith in a tie? How you gonna lace up your DMs without ja laces? Starters? Don't get me started, I could live off starters, 2 or 3 at a time or is that tapas? And chat shows?? What would I do without Graham Norton???? Is happy christmas ok...or is that on the list too!!

Scarlet Blue said...

Is it time for the exciting news yet???
Are you pregnant????
SXXXXX

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!!

secret agent woman said...

Hope you are well and just busy with the holidays!

John Gray said...

U OK>>>>???? JUST CHECKING

Los Angelista said...

Dying to hear your news! And hope you're well!

Nick said...

Goodness, a flurry of concerned comments! Yes, I'm very well. No, Jenny is not pregnant (nor me). No, I'm not on vacation with Penelope Cruz. Yes, I/we had a lovely Christmas. I'll just have to keep you on tenterhooks for a little while longer....

Liz said...

Oh no, I love starters! (Food - you notice I go for the food option? Too much of that been going on for the past weeks.)

Glad to see you're ending the year on a cheery note!

e said...

Happy 2012 to you both and give my best to Heather and your Mum.

Wisewebwoman said...

Get back here, you!
Have you moved to Oz or sumfing?
Here's hoping it's an exciting "Leap" for yourself and Jenny!
XO
WWW

Nick said...

Just a little longer and I'll put you all out of your misery....

Jay at The Depp Effect said...

Oh, gosh .. I SO agree with you about most of these. There are two exceptions, and one is a real one-of-a-kind exception; Michael Parkinson did some amazing, entertaining, and informative chat shows. Apart from that, yes, ditch them all!!

And genealogy. I'm an addict, and I've discovered some wonderfully interesting skeletons in my family cupboards. ;)

Nick said...

Jay - I've watched quite a few Parkinson shows but I thought them pretty bland. Maybe I missed the exciting ones....